So, whenever I eat in a restaurant, if I want my food to arrive, I usually go to the bathroom. There is something about me going to the bathroom that makes the chef magically decide that my table is more important than the walk-in 34-top that came in an hour before me, and the waiter/tress decide to yell at the chef until my table’s order is in his/her hands. This has been proven effective 95% of the time, by a rough, not-at-all scientific estimate.
Conversely, when I’m waiting tables, if my boss (when no one comes 10 minutes after service starts) sends me home early, they have a busy night. So far, this has been true 100% of the time.
I don’t know what it is about my lack of presence in restaurants attracting things, but it puzzles me.
From Cracked.com's "5 Terrible Situations for the Socially Awkward Male"
*Oh, good, there's no one else here. This'll be easy. In and out.*
You settle yourself in front of a urinal.
The door to the restroom opens abruptly. The sound and implication that you are no longer alone startles you.
You feel cold.
You pray that the new occupant opts for a stall instead, because-
*Oh, shit, he didn't.*
*Okay, this is fine. Stare straight ahead and just go. Just go. I really have to go, this shouldn't be a problem.*
He starts peeing. In the otherwise silent bathroom, his proud and confident stream does nothing but highlight the fact that you clearly haven't been peeing.
He can hear. He can hear you not peeing right now. He knows.
*Don't think about that, just focus on peeing and all-*
"What's up, Man?"
*How have guys who talk in the bathroom not been shunned out of society?!*
"N-nothing, man." *Just peeing, is all.*
"Oh, yeah. Chillin' chillin?"
*This conversation should be illegal.*
"Yes, I am chilling chilling."
"No doubt. Crazy weather," he says, and he continues to chat, because you are the only one in the world who doesn't know how to talk and pee and stand next to another human at the same time. The only one in the world.
Giving up, you pretend to shake away make believe urine, and maybe you even say "That sure was a good urine session," to really drive your ruse home, and then you make your exit. It is the toilet equivalent of faking an orgasm.
Do not read this if bugs and/or the killing of them grosses you out.
I generally do not believe in killing things outside of video games. IRL, I only kill things if they pose a direct threat to me or a loved one.
So when I saw what looked like an ant with wings fly around my room, I affectionately named my new pet Myrmida. I would later learn this was no ant but a termite. And my cottage is entirely made of wood. Crap.
I swore to kill the termite the next time I saw it. However, I didn’t see it for at least a week. This morning, though, a termite buzzed past my face. I knew it was time.
I took a work boot and found TWO of them on my window. I crushed one with my work boot, startling the other one. It got away. The one I crushed was eviscerated, its abdomen split in two, yet it was still alive and its wings were undamaged, so it flew between the window sill.
Desperate to put the poor thing out of its misery, I crushed it two more times with the boot. It wasn’t until the second time that Myrmida stopped fighting.
This post is to honor the memory of Myrmida, my valiant opponent.
Okay, so I’m seeing a lot of things floating around on my dash today, but what I’m especially seeing is fights about whether or not rape jokes are funny. And, of course, I’m seeing this story, about a comedian responding to the suggestion that rape jokes aren’t funny with the words “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…” tangled up in the center of a lot of these discussions. And it occurs to me, with all this anger going around, that there are some things that maybe aren’t being said that, I think, need to be said. Am I saying the anger isn’t deserved? Of course not. Am I saying the anger doesn’t have it’s place, or doesn’t need to be acknowledged, respected, and heard? Of course not. Am I saying that I am, myself, not angry? No, I’m really not saying that at all. I’ve got a lot of anger in my heart about this topic, both in the abstract and in the upsettingly specific; however, I have had to learn to separate from that anger, because it makes it difficult to live my life.
So this is not an angry post; this is an explaining post. This is a post where we just talk. And what we’re going to talk about is what “rape jokes aren’t funny,” really means. Or, to put it another way: this is a post about why rape jokes aren’t funny.
As for my own personal thoughts, I am of the opinion that everything can be joked about if done right, but I have never heard a rape joke that has been funny. If we can’t get it right over thousands of years of human existence, comedians, let’s leave it alone.